If Your Personal Goals Include Changing Vom Shirts, This Is For You

You know what irritated me at the beginning of January?

All the blog posts and magazine articles I read where people listed their 2014 goals and resolutions.

I'm not opposed to goal setting; I believe in pinpointing obtainable objectives, actually.  I know it works.  In fact, I think it's awesome people have the forethought to sit down at a table, pen personal/spiritual/family/work-related goals, and then work on them.

One day, I'll be one of those people.

But I'm not right now.

Right now?  I have trouble identifying what to accomplish in the next 15 minutes, let alone next 12 months.

But... Y'all.  

I'm a blogger who cares about you and like all good bloggers, I don't want you clicking to this little site here and leaving disappointed.

No, I aim to INSPIRE and so...

...so I want to give you a sneak peek into the lofty goals I've set for myself this year. (Hey, it's only February.)  I can only pray God gives me the tenacity needed to become the AWESOME PERSON I know I can be during the upcoming year. 

COLLEEN DUGGAN'S PERSONAL GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS FOR 2014:

If Your Personal Goals Include Changing Vom Shirts, This Is For You by Colleen Duggan

1.  When a infant or child vomits and/or urinates on an article of my clothing--pants, shirt, socks, whatever--refuse to wear that article of clothing longer than 24 hours.  This is actually a double whammy; once the vom/pee soaked article of clothing is removed, do not let it sit in the basket for longer than 5 days.  Launder immediately.

2.  Wage war against toddlers who practice the right to eat their snack off the floor.  After seating them at the table, counter the negative behavior by explaining the benefits of not eating like an animal!  Use a saccharine sweet voice.

3.  Remove the fast food paper bags from the fifteen passenger van immediately upon my return home, therefore ensuring the stale Big Mac smell does not linger.  Place waste containers at the entrance of each of the rows so as to make it easy for children to dispose of their chicken nuggests/water bottles/banana peels, etc.  Embrace the fact the children will never use the trash receptacles but will continue to drop their nasty chicken nuggets guts on the ground just to make my life a living hell.

4.  When nature calls, insist on complete privacy while using the facilities at least once a week.  Make exceptions only for potty training toddlers and then, use the opportunity as a bonding experience.  Read together.

5.   Instead of sending the children to complete the task, walk to the mail box at least three times a week.  Do ten jumping jacks while there.  Pat myself on the back for ALL THE EXERCISE!!!

6.  Refrain from using four letter words of any kind in front of the children, except for the ones that aren't really that bad.  You know, words like damn and hell.

 7.  Keep a log of the number of times the children bathe in a week and insist they scrub their little bodies at least three times over the course of seven days.  Do not allow yourself or them to use your existence as recluse homeschoolers as an excuse for inadequate hygiene. 

8.  Recognize the poor example of nutrition I set when I ingest a spoonful of Nutella and a cup of coffee for lunch.  Resolve to hide in the closet and eat the Nutella and drink the coffee so the children don't see.

9.  Cry less than the infant.  I'm not sure how to actually acomplish this one yet, but it's definitely staying on the list.  It's a good goal.

10. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstance, throw books across the room in frustration when homeschooling the children.  It scares them.  Rip books instead.

11.  Quit reading the blogs of people who post their personal goals.

This?  This, my friends, is what you call WINNING!!!

Now, it's your turn.

What are your lofties for the year?  Don't be shy. I believe in you.